A friend sent me this link, “I Am A Closet Christian,” and I know exactly what the author is talking about – like Ms. Calhoun writes, “it’s kind of embarrassing . . . being religious.” It’s weird to be writing about religion. I mean, who am I to be writing about God and spirituality and stuff?
So here we go, this my my current artistic/spiritual journey and I’m going to record it.
I bought three bottles of ink to test on my paper choices. The colors are white, gray and indigo. I wasn’t happy with any of the results.
It was then I remembered I have perfectly good set of Schminke watercolors that will do the job. I was irritated with myself. I was too excited to buy new art materials that I ended up spending money on something I didn’t need.
I decided I wanted to write text on my paper. The religious texts in the house are biblical verse inserts I had saved from previous services, The Book of Common Prayer, and The Application Study Bible New International Version, a wedding gift from a good family friend, Father Jim.
I know nothing about the bible so I did what I am familiar with – I approached it like doing research for a paper by reading, taking notes, citing correctly. I started with the master index where everything is referenced by name, site, topic, etc. A very good start for me.
This version of the bible is extremely useful. It has sections like profile notes, outlines, maps, charts, diagrams, cross-references, a dictionary, to name a few. I was interested in three topics: intent, forgiveness and sin. I looked up the referenced chapter/verse, and there are footnotes that explain and give context to the text. This is the first time I’ve read the bible, understood what I read and actually found it kind of interesting.
It was difficult to look up sin. I was scared to see what I would find. As anyone might guess, there are a lot of references to sin in the bible, and I certainly did not read each one. Some of what I read did make me feel worried and other sections made me feel hopeful. I think it all depends in where you are in your life and you take what you need. Mostly I felt proud in facing myself, my actions and any resulting consequences. Hard work but meaningful work.
I did utter a short prayer as I prepared my paper for Sunday. Measuring and cutting the paper reminded me of my art school days. I felt competent – that this is what I am meant to be doing. It’s a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. I don’t mean to say I feel insecure. This is how I see it: when I knit or crochet from a pattern, I feel competent but it’s not my design. Creating something by me evokes a completely different type of competency. And I decided to stop over-thinking every detail, like which paper will I use? What color best symbolizes my thought? How should I write? In script? In print? I just did what felt right.
My first statement has to do with intent.
As soon I finished printing the words, I started to doubt my choice. Should I have written, “God knows my true intention” instead? Should I start over? Then I let it go – it is what it is.
